My hand turned me down
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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