A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
