You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
