My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
