Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
