i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
