I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
