Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
