benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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