Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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