I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
