Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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