Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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