Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
