I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
