god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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