I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize