you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
