i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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