I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
