every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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