So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
