Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
