I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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