the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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