Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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