even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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