my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
