oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
