You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
