bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
