Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
