sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
