if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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