drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
