I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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