I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
