Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
