i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
