I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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