Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They are going to name an STD after you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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