new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
