i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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