The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
