ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
