Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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