Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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