i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
