After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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