Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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