The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
