Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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