Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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