someone threw a dead crab at me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
