even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
