Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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