fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
