i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
