My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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