Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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