The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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