if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
