quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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