I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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